—A Story of the dutiful Beta-male—
I’d like you to meet my friend Bob.
Bob is what you might call your “average” North American.
He has big dreams for himself, including a long healthy life, a
happy family, a loving wife, a comfortable retirement, and hopefully
to have some fun along the way.
Bob has always been a really rock-solid guy. He had a paper route when he
was 12 years old that made him over a hundred and fifty dollars a
week. He got straight “A’s” across the board in school, except in
French class where he got a “B”. He applied to a good college and
got accepted and had a really great experience.
Another shining example of the North American Dream…
Bob’s favorite movie is Forrest Gump, a story about how by having
a solid set of core values, pulling yourself up by your bootstraps,
and being a contributing member of society you can experience the
best of everything western society has to offer.
It’s extremely inspiring…
This week Bob turned 30. His life is really just getting started. He
has so much to look forward to.
Recently he’s just been hired into a Fortune 500 company where he’s
got all sorts of cool perks like culturally diverse cafeterias where
he can get egg rolls and butter-chicken in the same meal, or company
getaways to Colorado where they do team building exercises and
come up with mission-statements focusing everyone in on their goals.
Everything seems to be on track. You know…. like one of those Rockwell styled TV commercials that you see day in and day out on the tube.
How could anything possibly go wrong??
Well, there are a few things on the horizon that Bob hasn’t seen
coming. This is the stuff that didn’t really get covered in University
or even in Forrest Gump. First off, like most good Westerner’s, Bob likes to eat “three square meals a day” at,
restaurants like McDonalds and Denny’s, where he loves to get the “Grand Slam” or the “Lumber Jack Special”, combined with sitting in an office all day, causes Bob to get
Bob has no idea that you’re supposed to eat 6 small meals a day.
Heck, Bob doesn’t even know what a “macro-nutrient ratio” is, let
alone that the largest meal of the day is supposed to be eaten at
breakfast and not before bed.
Of course, like most educated citizens Bob is far more concerned
about the exotic diseases he reads about on CNN.com while he’s
procrastinating at work — like AIDS, terrorist Anthrax, and even
the dreaded Bird Flu– than to worry about the much less interesting
possibility of eventually dying because he’s simply overweight.
See, when you ask Bob how old he’ll live to be he says “Probably 75
or 80″. Secretly though, Bob thinks he’ll live to be a hundred or
even a hundred and three. He’s just too modest to say it out loud.
It never occurs to him that while the average North American man lives to
his late 70s, most of them have physiques that aren’t really worth
living in past 40…
…and that if he doesn’t proactively take on habits like lifting
weights and eating properly that his knees and cardiovascular system
won’t even be able to muster a simple jog up his quaint North American
In addition, Bob also has a big debt on his credit card and he’s in
several thousand over his head right now.
It’s humorous, because when Bob got approved for his new credit card he
felt so cool and adult being entrusted with the privilege of having
What he didn’t realize, and what credit card companies bank on, is
that studies consistently show that given credit, the vast majority of
human beings will be inclined to exchange the intangible numbers in
a computer for the tangible goods that they can hold in their hands.
By allowing himself to go into debt more than 2 weeks pay (at least
for “stuff” as opposed to investments like property or education),
Bob is basically setting a pattern that ensures he’ll live with a
lifetime of debt…
…paying interest upon compounding interest, always pushing
for a “life-style upgrade” over just paying down credit cards and
Bob just keeps forgetting that he lives in the most consumer-driven
society in the history of the world — a culture that is literally
designed so that you can have a fist full of cash, blink, and find
that it’s all gone.
“Where did it go?? Uhhhh… You know… Stuff.”
Luckily Bob has big plans…
Someday, who knows when but sooner or later, Bob plans to start a
really cool business where he’s going to make the cheddar biscuits.
He knows, after all, that he’s a really creative guy because all his
friends tell him that he has the most awesome My-Space.
Sadly, Bob has been spending most of his time outside work
reading Maxim Magazine and downloading Top 40 Radio Hits and Ring-Tone Rap
from iTunes. Bob doesn’t really spend a lot of time reading the
classics or challenging his mind anymore because he’s always burnt
out from being immersed in the business culture at his work.
What Bob doesn’t understand is that while he was born as an
intelligent guy, intelligence, focus, and creativity are like
muscles which have to be engaged and worked out on a steady
The fact that he was a straight “A” student (other than in French,
of course) is really no longer relevant — and in the past five
years he’s become the mental-equivalent of the fat guy who keeps
talking about how he used to be in the best shape “back in the day”.
Well, that’s too bad. Bob might not be about to become the next
Donald Trump or Bill Gates.
However life really isn’t all about the Benjamin’s/cheddar points… and life isn’t
necessarily even about living a long time.
Life is ultimately about quality.
Bob knows that no matter what, he has what a lot of guys will never
have. Bob has found his true love… his wife Stacey.
It was at a party back in college that Bob and Stacey first met. They
had mutual friends and hit it off after Stacey accidentally spilt Bob’s
drink over by the keg.
“That’s OK…” Bob told her as he helped to clean it up. Later that
night they hooked up and they’ve been together ever since.
Life has been good for Bob and Stacey. In the past few years they’ve
bought themselves a nice house with a white fence and a tire swing in the front yard, and had a couple of wonderful kids.
Bob has been working long hours at work to provide everything that
Stacey could ever need. They still have sex once a week (after watching
Grey’s Anatomy), and while it might not be the who’s-your-daddy marathon it
used to be, the fact of the matter is that they’re still very much in
What Bob doesn’t know however, is that while his cholesterol-clogged
heart is pumping on overdrive as he thrusts aimlessly through his 4
and 1/2 minutes of sex to orgasm, Stacey is on her back imagining that
muscular/charming cutie-pie Matthew McConaughey who she saw in the movie How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days and with his shirt off in US magazine.
Of course, Stacey loves Bob to death. But Stacey has needs. She’s a woman,
and she’s a human being.
And Bob is just sooo……..well. Bob.
Anyway, while Bob is off for the weekend in Denver Colorado eating
butter-chicken and crafting mission-statements, Stacey has been
thinking about calling back that funny waiter boy who served them
at Denny’s awhile back.
He’d slipped her his number on the back of the bill right under
Bob’s nose, saying that they were into similar kinds of gardening.
It seems weird that he’d be the type of guy who would be into
gardening, but really, he seemed to have good intentions and Stacey
really wants to get some new plants to show to Bob when he gets back
Stacey calls up her waiter-boy and he invites her over to his house.
Unwillingly, and after a lot of humor from her waiter-boy, Stacey
decides that it’s no big deal to drop by.
She arrives and they have a few laughs and a few drinks…
Things get a little playful and silly and next thing you know Stacey
is on her back (and various other positions she never knew about)
getting plowed by Mr. Denny’s.
Somehow it just…. happens.
This makes Stacey feel extremely guilty, and she’s very distant from
Bob when he gets back home.
Bob gets cranky without his weekly post-Grey’s Anatomy roll-in-the-hay, which makes Stacey
seek more attention from her waiter-boy, which causes her to
continue on getting railed … and plowed in a way that Bob hasn’t
done to her in years.
Eventually Stacey can’t take the lying and divorces Bob — taking the
two kids, the dog (did I mention they have a dog??), and half of
Bob’s Fortune 500 pension plan.
Bob has no idea that any of this could be his own fault, believing
that he’d done everything for Stacey that a decent husband could ever
do. He hates her and in court he indignantly calls her a “deceitful
bitch” Without thinking this whole situation was somehow his fault too.
Flash-forward another 2 decades and now Bob is alone at 50 years old,
divorced, broke, fat, unhealthy, and a workaholic. He’s got himself
a new big juicy slice of the North American Dream.
Well, at least he can watch Forrest Gump to brighten up his day…