You are one of the lucky ones. You have a job, in a climate-controlled building with coffee available in the kitchenette and possibly even a special chair if you have back pain. You have health insurance, a pension, and if you open your mouth to complain about the commute your friends glare at you because they just sold their coffee maker on Craigslist or donated their sperm in order to make rent; they do not have health insurance, and they have toothaches that last for six weeks because they can’t afford the dentist. Your parents are proud of you for having a cube with your name on the outside.
But maybe you do not always feel lucky.
Maybe you felt lucky after leaving the interview, went out for a few wobbly-pops with your roommates that night and grinned like a jack-ass, but you did not realize that every day after that would also be a job interview; every day, all over again, you would have to sit up straight, preen and pretend to be interested in Team Building exercises and innovative business strategy that drives productivity and results, and also your boss’s golf game. He is always talking about his golf game and how he shot -4 on your shitty local course.
Maybe your little cube is in a corner where the light is dim and you can easily go a full eight hours without talking to another human being except via email, and you realize your entire job is just something they haven’t quite figured out how to automate yet. Maybe you sometimes wander around the building holding a mug under the pretext of getting coffee just to break up the hours staring at a screen. And maybe when you go home you realize that the highest point of your day was scrolling through Facebook on your lunch break or jacking off in the shower before work, because your soul-crushing wife would rather crush donuts instead of your dick. Maybe you have had this job for five years, or ten, or thirty, and you still have the fleeting impulse to lie every time someone asks what you do. You could be an rock star. They don’t know.
CorporateLand: Surviving Cubicle Warfare is a lesson. It is the holy bible of all office survival books and will teach you how to thrive and survive today’s corporate culture. It is an indispensable guide for anyone, old, young or even a seasoned pro.
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